Brain Fried

"I’m not very good with men. Perhaps I haven’t found the right one. Maybe. Or maybe that whole love thing is just a grown up version of Santa Claus... just a myth that we have been fed since childhood, so we keep buying magazines and joining clubs and doing therapy and watching movies with hip hop songs played over love montages in this pathetic attempt to explain why our love Santa keeps getting caught in the chimney. Vergas always told me love was a leap. Lamentably, I was never inspired to jump"

-(Kate & Leopold - 2001)

For some reason I thought a lot about this quote over the past little while. This summer I've been reflecting on what is real-- right in front of us, but cannot see because we have been fed a different version, made up by society and fiction of what could be... or should be. What is it that we truly seek as human beings? Happiness? Joy? Money? Love? When we think about love, we imagine eternal happiness coming along with the notion of finding someone to spend forever with -- happily ever after. Yet, we are never reminded of the potential negatives. We are told that the only kind of love that can make you happy is the kind of love you find with a "soulmate"... yet, we love ourselves, our family, our friends, our cars and houses, our pets... our life.

In another in depth conversation about my goals in life with my Mum the other day, the topic of marriage was brought up again for another round of applause (not from me!) She talked about her concern for me... how I don't have someone to count on... someone to spend time with... someone to take care of me... essentially! I didn't see where she was coming from at that moment, but I think I get it now. I believe it goes back to an age old idea of women getting married for the sake of dependence. Women would get into relationships so that they could find stability through marriage. Family and the whole nine yards that came with it was the essence of happiness. Men were the bread winners and women kept house. To this day, we can still say that this happens all over the world.

My arguement was this: Sure, some day I would like to settle down with someone and spend forever. However, I also need to stand as an individual on this planet. I refuse to do that as a part of two. I want to be whole and know how to exist on my own. Seperate. If someone comes along and accepts me for all that I am as a whole person, then I guess I will have lucked out. In the meanwhile... I don't believe I'm sad, or missing out. I find happiness in my drive for live. I am studying hard so that at thirty I won't have regrets and will have paid off my student loans. Without a sugar daddy. Sure I miss having someone in my life to just do nothing with... but it's a small factor in the big scheme of things. If and when it happens, it will happen. Everything I do in life, isn't to find Mr. Love. I believe that it doesn't exist. I'm not jaded... it's just that times have changed and with that, priorities have changed too. In order to keep up in this world, women have to work twice as hard as men.. if' we're going to take the honest way up.

I think I think too much.