Sunday, 28 October 2007

the last page to this month's chapter.

I guess I was more angry at myself, during the turn of events this past month, than I was at the actual source. I was mad for letting my guard down, and more angry that I allowed myself to risk such a huge part of... well, me. After the initial burst, I felt relief at the fact that my confession was not without merit, as I heard all that I wanted to hear and then some. I went in with complete conviction that I would be let down, and was ready for it. Instead, I was fed scoopfuls of words that girls only imagine hearing at some point or another. It doesn't happen often, so when it does happen, we take it...

Maybe we shouldn't... always. Well, rather, I shouldn't.
I don't know... It felt good to hear all that, you know? Like... "wow, I put myself out there, took a risk... and actually got results!"
It even felt good the next day, when we corresponded... it felt like we were getting to know each other ... as promised the day before. But after that... it was all me. The messages, the questions... all me. That doesn't exactly go along with what I had heard before. There's that saying: "Actions speak louder than words"... and this was a key case and point. The actions certainly did not add up to the words I had heard.

I know people are busy. I get that. Heck, I am too... I have 5 articles and 2 quizzes to study for, all this week. But, if interested, I can do the 5-minute coffee... I can do the walk to the subway... I can do the 1 line message or 2 minute phonecall. This is all... possible, even in a crazy-busy world. But only if you want it to be. I wanted it to be... I thought he did too. Or maybe, I had heard wrong.

For some reason, this is taking a lot longer for me to get over than I would like. Perhaps because he is everywhere.. at work, on the computer... I can't disconnect and move on. But I have to... and I will.

I just hope that any guys out there who are reading this, will break from pattern. Please don't tell someone you mean something, when you don't. WORDS are powerful... more powerful than you can ever imagine. It is communication, it is real... Words dictate our heartbeat, our adrenaline, our ups and downs. A kind word can ignite the smile muscle just as easily as a mean one can make us cry. So please, use them wisely, use them sparingly.
Don't speak just because you can. Sometimes the truth is all we need. Even if it isn't what you think we want to hear.

Saturday, 27 October 2007

if you blink, you might miss this...

To do list:

- swear off of boys (and most men) ... will make this last for more than a day...
- indulge in wine with the bff
- sex up the city during a good drunken'in
- will consider online dating
- he isn't worth my time
- i deserve better

thats it.. for now.

Monday, 22 October 2007

Mind is wandering... again.

This time I was wondering about the Human Spirit... and how much it can endure. I was thinking about all the things that happens to it... you know, the wounds (physically and otherwise), the scars, the punches, the lies, the false build-ups, the let-downs... everything.

How much can it really take? Think about it... in this day and age the Bad outweighs the Good, by far... and we keep taking it because it is all we can do. How do you heal the Human Spirit? Without it being momentary or a temporary solace away from the absolute madness that is life... love...

We always say that we want to be in control of our own lives and destiny, and yet, we constantly find ourselves in situations where we are at the mercy of others. This can be in terms of work (bosses and potential employers...), school (professors and groups), family (wants and demands), love (everything).

How do we just let the Human Spirit... be?
How do we allow ourselves to just let life do what it must, without feeling the pain, sorrow and loneliness that overcomes us when these things start to prick away at whatever little you have left?

I'm listening to a song by Mary J. Blige these days. It's called "Be Happy", and part of the lyrics state:

How Can I
Love Somebody Else
If I Don't
Love Myself Enough To Know
When It's Time
Time To Let Go?

All I Really Want
Is To Be Happy...

I am only referring to these lyrics because it applies to me right now. I am always second guessing myself... and I can't begin to explain why. I guess that's because I don't know why.

I only want to be happy. My Spirit just wants to be happy. And I mean... the genuine kind. The kind that comes naturally... not at the cost of others or because of situations. Just Happy. With who I am and what I have become. I want to look in the mirror and be Proud of Me.

I want to be selfish.... I want to do something for ME without thinking of the ramifications or how it will affect my family, friends, coworkers... People around me do it all the time.

My Spirit wants a vacation from heartache and longing for things that I have never had. You can't want something you've never had. And yet, it is all I can think about.

And here I am ... thinking. I am always thinking. I want to find the "off" switch to my heart, because it swells so much for things and situations that do not deserve it.

For once... I just want to stop. Thinking.

Thursday, 18 October 2007


I feel bad for Ellen DeGeneres....
But I'm not sure how I feel about that situation going down on National Television....

Monday, 15 October 2007

Noon Vent

Some things just shouldn't be said. Really, if you don't say what the other person might want you to say... if you don't feel what the other person wants you to feel... don't say anything. Don't lie just because you feel bad... don't try to make light of a situation that you think might hurt the other person. Sometimes the truth is all we need to move on... move forward... or to simply reevaluate. But when you lie, or admit to things that you don't really feel... for what you think might be for the benefit of another person... you are creating a situation that I am sure both parties would rather not be in.
I don't want to be in this frame of mind.
But I can't do anything about it now... except sit and wait, for it to pass me by. Which it refuses to do. And that makes me Mad.

Saturday, 6 October 2007

Not a feminist... just feminine...

...and that seems to be the problem.
There exists a bracket of women out there, who are literally stuck between a rock and a hard place. I am talking about those 18-40-something women, who have careers and content lives, but cannot seem to find a decent guy to simply hang out with. I'm not talking about marriage here... I am simply talking about 2 people-- a man and a woman, spending time together, enjoying one and other's company... and letting life take it's course. It seems that a man and a woman cannot hang out consensually without it meaning something more. If a woman asks a man to hang out for company's sake... he usually assumes that she is hitting on him. If a guy asks a woman to hang out... it is assumed that he probably wants something more.
If a guy, who a woman is not attracted to, asks her to hang out ... chances are that she will go out with him, and assume nothing of it. If a woman, either "butterface"-esque (I've heard guys make reference to some women as such), decent or gorgeous, asks a man to hang out... she proably wants him to become the father of her children... or so it is assumed.
Ugghhh.... frustrating, isn't it?? We've all been there. The guy you've know for ages, but never hung out with for who knows what reason... your relationship is fine.... you suggest that the two of you finally hang out.... and he runs in the opposite direction, faster than the Roadrunner being chased by that stupid Wiley Coyote.
Seriously. I cannot list the number of times I have sat down with my Mother and tried to explain that times have changed from when she was young. The days of dates, drive-in movies, hand holding and simple conversation are long gone. Those things that would ideally make two consensual adults happy, are now replaced for men, by video games, downloaded movies, porn and technology. For women, it's replaced by conversation with other like-minded women, about how these guys would rather spend time doing the above mentioned, rather than... well, doing them.

So... here we are... with our glasses of wine... our Harlequin romance novels... our bubble baths... lattes... magazines... photographs of "good times with the girls", shopping sprees, careers and pets.
So here we are.
We're here. Where are you?

"Who cares about Mr. Right, when Mr. Good-Enough-For-Right-Now is waiting for you right around the corner?"
- Serendipity (2001)

... but, where is Mr-Good-Enough-For-Right-Now?

Friday, 5 October 2007


I don't know how much I buy into this business of destiny. If I had a dollar for everytime someone said, "make sure you choose the right path", I'd be able to build my own road-- right to where I wanted to go.
I want to write. I know that much. What I don't understand is why my professor wants me to follow the opposite of what my $90 textbook sets out to tell me. I had to convince myself that the opinion of one person marking my papers, won't set the pace of the rest of my life. I know someday, somehow, I will be doing what I love for a living. But I am not constructed in a manner where I can ignore blatant negative criticism. When someone tells me my work sucks, time and time again... I start to believe it... sort of.
So I guess I want to know what happens to us? By "us" I am referring to those of us who believe we have certain talents and want to nurture them, only to have people come into our lives, who tell us not to bother. If we don't bother, then what do we do? If we do bother... it may turn out that our biggest fan... is ourselves... and that doesn't help pay the bills.
Don't get me wrong, I have always known that science and math were subjects that I was never good at. I appreciated those who could do well in them, but I knew I was not one of them... but writng... now that was something I thought I was always good at.
Just because I don't watch every show on the CBC or listen to every show on CBC Radio... and don't pay attention to political warfare in my local area.... doesn't make me a bad writer. On a global scale, I can dictate more events happening, than five things happening in my member of parliament's cabinet. Still... how can that determine whether or not I suck at what I do?

I want the dream life. I want to be able to pay off my loans and buy a condo and have the whole nine yards. But I want all this, doing something I am passionate about. What is life, if you don't live passionately? Love passionately? Work passionately?
A friend just reminded me that even Albert Einstein was diagnosed with a learning disability... and he made the history books.
I suppose that was her not so subtle way of telling me to "suck it up!"... which I plan to do.


Thursday, 4 October 2007

My Lonely Planet

Sometimes I feel like the only person on this planet. Yet, I have a close circle of good friends, 360+ friends on Facebook (ya, it counts, sort of), i have no problem communicating with strangers, I have a family, a pet and over 15 cousins... I like people and for the most part, socially, am rarely ever alone. And yet...I am. Alone. It is the strangest feeling. Mentally... emotionally... physically... Perhaps when I feel down I feel inclined to imagine that I am going through the motions by myself, and perhaps in truth, I am not. Yet, sometimes, when walking home from school, or work, through the park or on the subway, I look at everything and everyone around me and realize, that at the end of the day, I am by myself. I have books, material and all the things I need to make life work for me... but somehow I feel as though in a void... it's misty, it's dark... there's colour but it's still dull.
I don't know where I'm going with this... I guess I want someone to wonder about me. If I am awake... If I have turned my lights out, and called it a night. What my last words before going to bed were... who I thought of when I woke up in the morning...
Well, maybe not all that... but I guess it would be nice to be someone... to someone...
All the advice in the world is not going to stop me from feeling how I feel. And trust me, I have heard it all... Don't think about it... things happen when you don't think about it... or... You should take assertion into your own hands... yadda yadda blaah blaah... It would be nice for once, for someone else to take control.
I hate feeling this way. All gooey and mushyucky! Maybe tomorrow will be better. Uuughh! I hope so!
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