Brain Fried

"I’m not very good with men. Perhaps I haven’t found the right one. Maybe. Or maybe that whole love thing is just a grown up version of Santa Claus... just a myth that we have been fed since childhood, so we keep buying magazines and joining clubs and doing therapy and watching movies with hip hop songs played over love montages in this pathetic attempt to explain why our love Santa keeps getting caught in the chimney. Vergas always told me love was a leap. Lamentably, I was never inspired to jump"

-(Kate & Leopold - 2001)

For some reason I thought a lot about this quote over the past little while. This summer I've been reflecting on what is real-- right in front of us, but cannot see because we have been fed a different version, made up by society and fiction of what could be... or should be. What is it that we truly seek as human beings? Happiness? Joy? Money? Love? When we think about love, we imagine eternal happiness coming along with the notion of finding someone to spend forever with -- happily ever after. Yet, we are never reminded of the potential negatives. We are told that the only kind of love that can make you happy is the kind of love you find with a "soulmate"... yet, we love ourselves, our family, our friends, our cars and houses, our pets... our life.

In another in depth conversation about my goals in life with my Mum the other day, the topic of marriage was brought up again for another round of applause (not from me!) She talked about her concern for me... how I don't have someone to count on... someone to spend time with... someone to take care of me... essentially! I didn't see where she was coming from at that moment, but I think I get it now. I believe it goes back to an age old idea of women getting married for the sake of dependence. Women would get into relationships so that they could find stability through marriage. Family and the whole nine yards that came with it was the essence of happiness. Men were the bread winners and women kept house. To this day, we can still say that this happens all over the world.

My arguement was this: Sure, some day I would like to settle down with someone and spend forever. However, I also need to stand as an individual on this planet. I refuse to do that as a part of two. I want to be whole and know how to exist on my own. Seperate. If someone comes along and accepts me for all that I am as a whole person, then I guess I will have lucked out. In the meanwhile... I don't believe I'm sad, or missing out. I find happiness in my drive for live. I am studying hard so that at thirty I won't have regrets and will have paid off my student loans. Without a sugar daddy. Sure I miss having someone in my life to just do nothing with... but it's a small factor in the big scheme of things. If and when it happens, it will happen. Everything I do in life, isn't to find Mr. Love. I believe that it doesn't exist. I'm not jaded... it's just that times have changed and with that, priorities have changed too. In order to keep up in this world, women have to work twice as hard as men.. if' we're going to take the honest way up.

I think I think too much.

A speck in silence

I remember the feeling distinctly. I was 8 when the days used to be endless. When night came, it was welcomed by the sweet scent of homemade desserts and sounds of unforced laughter. It was a temporary escape from the city -- but it was the ideal escape. I had known this place since the day I was born, which is probably why I was so strongly connected to the sounds, sights and general moods associated with it. It is where the generations met under one roof and we knew we were family. When I turned 8 I finally made the connection. This was my safe place; whether or not anyone still lived here. The mango trees, the untainted breeze... and the silence.

This place was never short of love and it remained that way for generations. It was sparse but cozy, loud but peaceful. I knew every inch that spanned from the two banana trees in the backyard, all the way to the reservoir a couple of blocks away. We used to go swimming in that reservoir. We would get right in there with the spring water and the tiny fishes that circled our legs. No one cared... everyone laughed.

At 8 I realized that when life led me astray and I felt hopeless, I would always come back to this place, even if I wasn't physically present here. It is amazing that although I spent most of my first few years as a child living in the city, I continued to find comfort in the rustic ambience of a secluded utopia built by my great grandfather.

I feel myself climbing those 16 steps to the porch... touching the bench as the sunlight bounces off of the yellow paint... I smell the earthy, wet mud kissed by the monsoons and the fusion of gardenias, sunflowers and roses spinning into the air.... there's spinach growing in the backyard, and pigs bathing under the mango trees. I sense it. I feel it... I'm there.

Never would I have imagined that a weekend and summer getaway as a child, would turn out to be a seatbelt for life as an adult.

From the day I was born, I had been absorbing its essence into my mind. Into my soul. I haven't been back there since I left and yet, I can direct strangers with familiarity.

In my mind, I have fallen asleep on the stone porch for the millionth time. There is a tropical breeze singing a familiar tune, while the coconut trees shade my body -- content with a promise that I will wake up at peace again.

*Note to Self*

Leo-S: Peony, Cherry Blossoms, Hibiscus.

That is all.
For now.

Serenity on Monday is impossible

To say that I am overwhelmed right now would be an understatement. I had already planned on making one big purchase in the month of August, only to receive a letter from school asking me to make two more. In August, I am expected to buy a Laptop, Digital SLR Camera and a 30GB Video Ipod. Ugh! Who would have thought that my first year in College would be more expensive in terms of material than my first two years in University!
In terms of the Laptop, I had my heart set on getting a MacBook. Now, people are telling me that a Dell is also good, and more affordable. I wish I knew more about computers so that I could be more confident about a purchase.
In the meanwhile, I am getting pangs of nervousness about whether or not I have made the right decision to go back to school. What if I suck and screw up? What if I am the worst student in the class? I need to maintain a part time job while in school. I don't have one lined up for September as yet, so what happens if I don't get one? When I go to bed at night I can feel my heart racing at a mile a minute. It's really dumb I know, but I can't help it. The only consolation to this will be when and if I succeed once this program is done.
Yesterday, I was so desperate for some sort of positive change, that I rearranged all the furniture in my room. It's nice to have my feet facing the door. Isn't that one of the rules of Feng Shui? To have your feet face the door? I remember reading about it somewhere, it's supposed to allow the Chi in the room to flow better. It didn't help last night though!
Finally, I don't like being home on weekdays because of Telemarketers! I know there are a lot of people out there who rely on this kind of job to maintain a living... however, I also believe that if I am at home, I don't plan on purchasing something. If I want something, I will go to the store and buy it. If I don't want to go out, I will go online. If that doesn't work, I will call that toll free number that you publicize so much!
Is it friday yet?

-SC

One of THOSE girls

After another random outing at the friday night watering hole downtown, I made a few silent promises to myself. This is not a reflection on the characters of anyone I know, but are rather based on observations and intense people watching skills. Chich says we're too judgemental but I think we're just good observers.
* I promise to not be a 35+ woman, who goes out to watering holes on friday nights and dances by herself in front of the band.
* I promise to not be a 35+ woman, who wears spandex, latex, unitards, metal tones, leather, pleather, animal prints, layers of chains, boob pushing tops, charcoal eyeliner or bright red lipstick-- in combination or individually.
* I promise to not be a 35+ woman who goes out with her cougar friends, in search of 18 year old school boys.
* Even if I am, single, childless and bored... I will indulge myself in coffeeshops, diners, lounges and more relaxed scenes... rather than struggle to hold on to my youth or vicariously live it out through the 10 year olds who surround me.

Ladies, it really isn't necessary. You CAN grow old gracefully. 35 is the new 25 but that doesn't mean you need to show off EVERYTHING you have at 10pm on the wooden dancefloor. Especially if you're the ONLY one dancing. I bet you didn't do that when you were 25... so why start now?
Secondly, to those girls who gather in their clucking, giggling harems and hit the dance floor, only to spill their drinks all overthemselves and trip over their no-heeled shoes... save some face and wipe the mess! It's not attractive and it's really not that entertaining. (Actually it is... for me!) You don't need to scream the words out to EVERY song... you don't need to pretend like you know the words to every song. We both know you don't. It's really ok to go out to a bar and have a good time without getting completely hammered, make a scene, or lose your mind. Sometimes it pays to relax and remember the night whether it was good or bad.

Side note to everyone: I think you should all know that while coming home on the subway last night, my internal funnel once again failed, and I almost got my behind handed to me for mouthing 4 small words: "where is the fire?" If you want more on this story, you're going to have to ask me in person because it only works if I do the facial expressions that go with it.

Happy Saturday!

- SC

Battles you weren't aware you were in

I find it so amazing how people can be such S**T disturbers, without even giving their actions a second thought. Well, some people don't surprise me because drama runs through their veins... but seriously! Whatever happened to people thinking before they talk? I mean, I shouldn't say anything because I admittedly lack an internal funnel that drains out half the things that come out of my mouth.... but ugh! I can't even speak, I'm so annoyed!

Case and point. And these are the broad strokes. I'm at work. coworker comes up and says "it really sucks that you won't be coming to (another coworker's) birthday." I reply with "why wouldn't I come?" Coworker responds with "well, you know... I mean, it's not like you would come considering..." I get annoyed and say "considering what?" Coworker casually responds with "well, I mean with everything going on and stuff. It would be weird."

Ok.

What's going on and how am I involved? I couldn't tell you. Frankly I probably wouldn't go... but it's the principle!
a.) Why say anything when you know it might be "weird"?
b.) You know I won't go, so why bring it up?
c.) you're know exactly what you're achieving by doing a & b.

Honestly, my life does not revolve around work, and it never has. I have so much going on outside of the dungeon that I work in, that the stuff happening in there does not even chase up to a close third. If people want drama... they have to follow the above mentioned steps. It's a sure fire way to work. To the person who stirs the pot, I say keep stirring. In return, I will keep shaking my head. It's all I can do really... Until the end of August anyway!

-SC

Relax, Take it Easy!

I figure if any song title would be appropriate for a Blog title, this would be it. Thank you, Mika.
Also, sometimes a thoughtful phonecall goes a long way... even when you think you don't want to talk to anyone at that moment. Thanks, You! I appreciate that you know me so well... :o)

There's something to be said about taking control of your own life. There are a lot of factors in our lives that force us to constantly be at the mercy of others... whether it is one aspect of it, or everything in entirety. Sometimes things happen in our lives that cause us to be eternally "in debt" to those who have done right by us, while other situations leave us feeling powerless and at the mercy of those who hold things over our heads, so to speak. Sometimes these situations stem from personal or other relationships and sometimes they are the result of minor happenings in life. The thing is, those who have done right by us honestly, do not or should not expect anything in return. Otherwise there's ulterior motives, and the deed isn't done with a good heart. Those who truly care about us will not wait in anticipation for us to do something good for them in return. If we do decide to return the gratitude, we too will do it without a second thought or impulse.
For those who do intentionally make us feel guilty about things beyond our control, or situations that they may know nothing about -- Well, I feel sorry for them. I believe that they only have power if we give it to them. If we take control of our own lives... our rights... our wrongs... then it seems that we will be the victorious ones. No one can have power over us if we don't give them ammunition. If we acknowledge our misgivings and deeds, then we have power. At the end of the day, if we're peaceful with who we are and can look at ourselves in the mirror and be happy with what we have done and accomplished thus far, then I think we're the winners. In truth, I believe that for those who go in search of gossip and feel the need to make things up in order to find substance in their own lives... well, then to that I say... "Let's give them something to talk about!"

Dang Skippy!

-SC

Commenting

So, people have been complaining about the fact that they have tried to comment, but that Blogger is asking them to become a member in order to do so. Guys, you don't have to be a member. If you go to comment on a post, there will be 3 options to identify yourself.
1. Blogger USER NAME & PASSWORD: you need both, so that I can access you in the Blogger community
2. OTHER: Your name and if you have one, your website
3. ANONYMOUS: self explanatory

If you do choose to comment, just check one of the 3 boxes off, and hit submit.

So to answer your question, you don't have to be a Blogger to comment. But you could buy me chocolate and pretty things. I wouldn't mind that at all.
xo

-SC

Curiosity or an early twenties crisis?

I've been asking my friends a lot of questions these day, because it seems that I'm having trouble with myself. I haven't quite figured out if this uncomfortable sense of uneasiness stems from things that are happening in my life right now, or result from a lack thereof. In either case I've been getting a steady stream of advice and not so good therapy. In the past 24 hours, I've learned that I'm too nice, judgemental, have my own version of "the friend zone", make people laugh a lot and definitely do not have an internal funnel to pick and choose my thoughts. Didn't see that coming... maybe I did and just didn't want to hear it. But now I know. So, here's some things to work on I guess. Baby steps, again.

Also, I was watching OMNI tv today, for my daily dose of the Ethnic News, and learned that a dozen or so 7-Elevens across the continent have converted their stores into Kwik-E marts, in honour of the Simpsons Movie release on the 27th of this month. Apparently Ethnics (read: brown people) across North America are freaking out about Apu coming to real life. Really, now? Seriously? People, it's only a Movie promotion. It's not like they're going to replace every 7-Eleven worker with someone who looks like a poster child for Apu! The point is that these stores will carry limited editions of The Simpsons Movie items. Such things like Pink Powdered Donuts, Buzz Cola, Squishees... etc! Apu's voice is put out by Hank Azaria... he isn't even Brown! Well, I guess that COULD make matters worse, but it's a show that has been around for 15 some odd years. If it didn't bother you then, why would it now? All they're doing is promoting a movie, and what's the closest thing to a Kwik-E mart?? Exactly.

- SC


Ps. I googled the word "definitely" to make sure I was spelling it correctly, and the first search that came up, amused me a lot!! haha I can't believe someone spent time making that website up! Funny!

Would you like some Salsa with that?

First of all, why is no one commenting on these posts? I know you're reading them because I can see the hits! I guess I'm friends with a bunch of voyeurs who like reading about my life choose not to add their two cents in. In either case, read on.

I've had a long weekend, and I think I'm ready for a break. Or at least, my feet are. After thankfully not having to work a double shift on freaky friday, I spent the night with a few close friends. Is there anything better than Mexican food, wine (etc), dancing and street meat... all in a span of about 6 hours? I didn't think so.

One of my friends actually has her own place... well, a room in a house that she shares with a few other people. Being a person who still lives at home, I thought of how liberating it would be to be on your own, with no one to answer to other than yourself. This is in fact the case, but when sharing the house with other people who you may not necessarly get along with, there's a lot of downfalls as well.

There's the 4am shuffle from your roommate upstairs, there's the roomie next door boinking away with her boyfriend-- against your wall, the roommate who wakes up at the crack of dawn and drops dishes in the kitchen for sound effects... and the list goes on. Still though, there is something to be said about having your own place. Your terms... your colour scheme. I learned friday night, that purple is an understated colour and that the smokey eye effect is easier to obtain than imagined.

We went to West lounge, and although I didn't particularly remember my last visit there in Feb (Damn you Mr. Tequila), I did have a lot of fun this time. It's so entertaining to see some of your closest friends just relax around one another and have fun -- no inhibitions... sort of. Sadly though, I did something I promised never to do. Not being anywhere close to my closet and only having Van's big closet to raid, I ended up being one of those "Shirt-Dress" girls, for the night. It worked though... or at least that's what they tell me. Then again, I could have very nice friends.
All in all, Friday was a night of firsts and wasn't as freaky... in that sense.

Saturday was a downpour. Literally. After coming home, running some errands and having a power nap, I woke up to hit the St. Clair Salsa festival, only to see winds swooping up the neighbourhood children, and rain destroying my neighbour's daisies. I really wanted to go to the Festival though, so after doing a few more errands, I headed up to St. Clair to meet up with a few friends who had already braved the weather, and were having a good time. I am glad I went. I love seeing the Samba Squad in action. Those people on stilts are really something else. Although, I did scare myself when I saw a clown changing in an abandonned parking lot. Also, I can no longer say that I have never body surfed. Last night, with no people traffic direction in particular, My friends and I survived a crowd surf like no other. We were mauled by 80 yr old elbows and 1 yr old baby strollers. I can now say that a 2 year old did in fact try to kill me with his kicks to the shin.

I enjoyed spending time with friends I had not seen in a while, and realize how far I have come as a person. What put this all together however, was seeing some people I knew from almost a decade ago, and noticing that they were the same as I had left them -- 10 years ago. Ten years! People get degrees, get married, have children, get careers, live, die, transform, grow up... so much! SO MUCH can happen in a decade. But it seems like time stood still for these people. Maybe we're not all the same. Yes, we aren't all cast from the same mould. But is it asking a lot for 12 year old boys to grow into 22 year old men, in a matter of 10 years? I don't think so.

I'm happy with my 10 year plan. Now to hit up the next decade. Maybe my big milestone for this one will be getting a pet... and keeping it alive.

-SC

Friday doesn't have to be Freaky...

well, unless you want it to. If you want to get your freak on, by all means, don't stop on my account. However, in honour of today, I decided to Google up some thoughts and facts associated with Friday 13th. You know, this day comes up in the year more frequently than we might imagine. Although the next one isn't till June 2008. And that will be the only one for the year. 2009 will have 3 days.

* The Fear of Friday the 13th is called paraskavedekatriaphobia... Thank the Computer Gods for Cut and Paste. Try saying that in one breath. Imagine telling people that? "I suffer from friday-the-13th-itis. Also known as paraskewerkebabwhat?"
* More than 17 million people are affected by fear of this day. Not a random statistic here folks, this info comes from my friends at Wikipedia and The Stress Management Centre and Phobia Institute.
*There is a significant increase in traffic accidents on Friday the 13th.
* Fidel Castro was born on Friday the 13th of August, 1926. Woah, he's older than I thought.
Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen too. Well, that explains a lot. Friday, June 13th, 1986.
* And according to NASA, asteroid 2004 MN4 will come scarily close to Earth on April 13, 2029, but it will not hit. (What?????) Ok people... this is good. Nothing unlucky about this right? Unlucky is if it HITS us! Cheer up!! :o)


Anyway, whatever you folks may have planned intentionally or otherwise for this day... make sure you stay safe. I will be at work all day, and personally don't plan on walking under any ladders or dropping any salt. Although, I don't do that anyway. And if anything associated with luck happens to you, I hope that it's good. I hope you all get lucky!

-SC

Reality and the Movies

Chich and I spent another random evening just chatting it up about random this and thats. I love these chats. Our conversations make absolutely no sense but they bring such fulfilment and clarity to so many topics.
For instance, we were talking about where we were in our lives, what we wanted out of life and what the near future had the potential of looking like. Sounds deep right? Well, it was.... profoundly! But, here's an example that took place, as we were walking back to the station. We passed by a Blockbuster movie rental, and I decided that I wanted to go in, to see what movies were on sale. Sure enough, I found another chick-flick to add to my growing collection of friday night/saturday afternoon sap... Catch and Release : Chich swears up and down that it's good... so I bought it. We went to the check out counter and I was still apprehensive, so Chich looks at the guy behind the counter (let's call him Andy) and says "Let's ask Andy. Andy have you watched this movie? you must have? Is it good? Tell her it's good!" Andy responds with a nod and some minor chatter, saying that he heard from a friend of a friend that it is in fact good. Did I mention Andy = Cute? No?
Well, Andy = Cute.
Ok. So, here's where it gets interesting. I start to talk (Andy is listening attentively... or he is a good actor) about how I think the movie better be good, and that I live by chick flicks because they fill the void that the lack of boyfriend has created in my life. (Who am I kidding, even if said boyfriend existed, I would never be able to part with my collection!) Anyway, I keep chattering. Talking about how this is the sad hilight of my night. Me, a glass of wine and a chick flick. Classic. REALITY. We cash out, and leave.
Now, the movie version of this would go as follows: Everything would stay the same up until the cash register. Chich would say her part, Andy would say his. I would say my part about how I had a sad life, watching movies, etc, to which Andy would respond with a quick lead in... something perhaps like... "Well, you better stay in tonight, because you're going out tomorrow night!" To which I would respond with "I am? with who?" And Andy would say "With me!"

Aaaannnnd Happily Ever After. Well, or at least a date. But that's a movie. Maybe it would be titled, "A Blockbuster of a Romance"... But Damn! Why does that NEVER happen in real life? It seems so easy!

- SC

Hug?

Guilty Pleasures & Trade offs

In the past 24 hours I have embraced my Summer's guilty pleasure, and embarked on a two year trade off with my family.
Guilty pleasure: 3 hours a week of Awful television -- Big Brother 8.
Trade Off: 2 years of journalism school, after which I pick up the first job that comes along, whether or not it is in fact in a journalistic field. (Yikes! - There is a God...)
I was watching Big Brother last night, and one of the scenes that stood out the most, was when Jen lied and told everyone that Nick tried to kiss her, just because she was jealous that he was spending a lot of time with Danielle. (Wow?!?) It's amazing to see how someone can be so wrapped up in her own little world that she loses sight of reality and the truths that surround her. This is a girl who, in real life is so used to getting attention (based on physical attributes, not personality), that while being trapped in a house full of people, she feels that she has no other option but to lie BADLY in order to get attention! If you're going to lie, at least be smooth about it. Sigh! I guess people do this in real life too, but we don't really see both sides of it, like we did here.

More on the trade off later.

Someone at the gym told me {by the way, i've worked out 3 times so far this week (yay me!)} that a mean persona for a nice person should not be a seperate entity. I told him that I was working on releasing mean Me out into the world. He suggested that mean, angry, hurt, sad, happy, joyful, etc... should just be part of who you are, and not someone seperate. Release Baracuda, Lioness sides of yourself, but don't make them entire beings. Now, this makes sense to me.... does it make sense when I type it out for people to read? I don't know. I guess this is my struggle towards becoming a Whole person. I want balance and serenity in my life and it is something that I have struggled with throughout my existence. Some days are worse than others, and sometimes something will happen that will make me feel like my world is crashing in around me. I am working on it, folks! I'm working on finding that switch inside me, that will hold me together when someone screams "the sky is falling!" Baby Steps.

How to make the 6pm News!

Another humid, hot summer day, another opportunity to voice your opinion in front of millions of viewers at home? Not really. Today has just been another ordinary day, with the exception of five minutes. Matt and I, both having the day free, decided to pay attention to our city and feel it's pulse on a Monday afternoon. Little did we know that a walk through Chinatown would lead us straight into the lense of CityTV journalist, Dwight Drummond. Upon seeing him, I interrupted Matt's story about something pretty profound, that I forget at this moment.. (sorry Matty), and went all dreamy eyed at seeing a CP24 journalist, live and in person! For someone who has every intention of getting into a field where I will have to interact with public figures on a daily basis, I got (and usually do) pretty star struck over the norm. I'm such a Geek! He was doing a special on bootlegged dvd's and how the distribution of them is linked to organized crime in the city. Once the cameras stopped rolling after he finished his opening segment, I, by some force of sheer insanity (I am blaming the humidity on this one) decided to ditch Matt, run up to Dwight Drummond and tell him that I loved him on TV... and Merella Fernandez. Did I mention I'm a Geek? Oh Dear -- some how I can see this coming back to haunt me in the future.
After a little chitchat about the story itself and some discussion about my background (another person who thinks I'm from the West Indies), he asked if I wanted to talk on TV. (ummmmmm YEAH!!).... to which I casually responded as though it wasn't the most exciting thing that had happend to me in two months, "sure, why not?"-- all this while holding onto Matt's arm in a death grip! Anyway, I answered his question about how DVDs are available everywhere and consumers do buy them because the costs of movie tickets are going up. The Cameraman was awesome, as he managed to frame my answer in words that wouldn't get me into too much trouble. At least I hope it won't get either Matt or myself in ANY trouble.

Anyway, so to sum it up, here are the steps you take if you want to make it on the 6pm News:

1. Ask another bored friend if he/she wants to come hang out with you as you wander around the City
2. Walk through Chinatown, while you sweat buckets. It's a workout and a learning experience with good company.
3. Walk left on Queen St. towards CityTv, or the Crepes place.
4. See a Journalist out of the corner of your eye, and proceed to tell him how much you Love him and that you watch the News all the time, and then fill him in on some factoids that you could have only learned if you did in fact watch the News all the time.
5. Ask him what story he is doing.
6. Answer his question. DO NOT look into the camera... look at the journalist. I got a little ahead of myself and talked into the camera the first time.... I guess I thought I was hosting the segment... wishful thinking on my part. Yikes!
7. Make sure your friend is standing very close by. He may choose not to say anything beacause he either a.) wants to pretend like he doesn't know you, or b.) is guilty of said story.

8. Then proceed on your merry way, making sure to get home in time for the 6pm News, so that you can tape the segment, watch it over and over, show your Mom, watch it over and over with her... ... ... all 5 seconds of it because they cut out 80% of what you actually said.

Matt, what did I tell you-- never a dull day in the Living City!

SC

Tester or Teaser?

... I'm back at it. This time I plan to stick around for longer than 3 months. I realize I have a lot to say and need a place to say it without sounding absolutely ridiculous! So, my blog... my thoughts... my space? So, I guess it's like talking to a wall that won't talk back... except not, because you're reading it... and will probably comment on it. But then again, I want comments. So, stay tuned for more random, odd, fresh, strange, awesome, tragic, illustrious banter!
- SC