There's something to be said about living in a part of the world that's alien to what you know and find familiar. Getting adjusted to new customs, traditions, and a value system unlike yours, is something that can be rather challenging and rewarding all the same. And all of this is heightened, when you're doing it alone.
I tend to find myself evaluating where I am in life, from time to time. It's a bad habit that I am trying desperately to break, but, every so often, it helps to take a look around and gain some perspective of where you are, what you're doing, and who you're with.
With the change of season (finally!) and the spare moments I've had as a result of being ill, I've had a lot of time to think. Those of you who know me are probably rolling your eyes, saying "Oh, not this again!" But please, hear me out.
My goal for this year was to live from one moment to the next. And so far, with the exception of some self-imposed roadblocks, that's precisely what I've been doing. This attitude has come as a blessing and a curse... depending on the moments.
Looking at the world as segments rather than a continuation, has helped me relax a great deal. I've come to let go of things that weigh me down, and appreciate smaller things... like when the older Korean man walking lazily down the street, smiled at me, rather than scowled and stared. Or the time I found myself on a park bench in Seoul's financial hub, watching business men and women race against the clock on their lunch hour. Enjoying moments such as these has made me appreciate this journey I'm on, a great deal.
Then, sometimes I find myself in moments where I get caught up. Sometimes it's a smile... a stare... a shared laugh, a note, or a "promise". And I can't help but get caught up. Why do these moments have to be different from the easy ones, like the time in the park? I wonder why these moments become so difficult to separate and eventually let go of.
And I think it's because the heart's involved.
Oh heart... why must you get involved when you shouldn't?
I fear it's because the heart likes to feel needed and fed. There's something strange that happens in these said moments, where the flush of endorphins that sail through your body set off bells that you spend a lot of time keeping silent. Sometimes, I guess these bells just want to... ring! But, it's nice when they ring and are heard and acknowledged... it's a whole different game when they're begged to be silent again.
So, I guess the quest for this season is to work on the imposter. I'd hate for you to think I'm not romantic and that I believe love is dead. I don't. I believe love exists all around us, in so many different shapes and forms. I love love.
It's that obvious love... the one that holidays and greeting card companies design... the one people pretend they're not looking for, but are secretly hoping will find them soon... that's the love that scares me.
It's just easier to imagine these moments as unable to move past those few minutes or hours, for fear of disappointment. Sometimes, it's easier to set the heart free for a breather, and then call it back for lockup. Because love should not make you sad. So take the measures you need.
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