It's been strange spending the second half of my life on this side of the planet.
I've spent exactly half my life in the east, and the other half here... and I sometimes still feel disjointed. I figured I'd someday get to a point where both halves of my life would meet in this invisible middle. And that perhaps all the things that confused me as a teen trying to battle the values of the east while trying to fit in with the west would somehow start to make sense.
Hasn't quite happened yet.
Everyday I am faced with new challenges and thought processes that force me to choose sides. Do I maintain my eastern values and pay attention to what was embedded into me as a child? Or do I go with the western flow and put myself first?
Some things I want to do might be considered selfish by eastern standards. But if I stay true to western influence, I will be doing the right thing.
It's this constant yo-yo of choices I've wanted to make lately, that's been gnawing away at my soul. How do I find balance?
A lot of people I know were born here, with immigrant parents or immigrant grandparents. Aside from their households, they've pretty much had a western education in terms of external influences.
Others have come here as adults, completely keen on tossing aside their eastern chips, trading them instead, for a western thought process so forward, it goes beyond the norm even by North American standards.
So again, how do I find balance with a dozen in the east and a dozen in the west? And if and when I do, how can I know I'm not hurting those I care about... those who've helped me get to this point?
It's a lot to process and I'm trying to take it one moment at a time. But sometimes the gates to my thoughts swing wide open and I can't stop the the flood of emotions from just overwhelming me.