I cave!

I'll write about it ... if only for therapeutic purposes.

I was doing so well over these past couple of months. I even shared this fact with my friends who were worried that I may have left what little sanity I had remaining, 10,000 miles away... buried in the tropical sands of a life gone by.

But here I am... three months later... I'm going to write about it. Not because I think the topic needs attention... but because my soul needs to be set free from the cramping pressure that's been weighing it down for weeks.

I figure, there's some experiences in life that liberate us from oppression. Not literally, but in every figurative sense of the word. Then there's others, which, under the guise of freedom, lull us into this fall sense of security and comfort... only to leave us feeling pained, exhausted and beaten in the end.

This is one of those experiences.

Happy moments short-lived, have a purpose. They stand as beacons in our dark nights... reminding us that it is possible to feel bliss and contentment. It is very easy to believe that negativity is all that we're inclined to receive in this lifetime, because there's enough of that to circle the world countless times around. But happy moments... they twinkle like stars... every time we think of one, or pull one out of our mental filing cabinet... we can't help but smile or be drawn back through a memory where everything seemed perfect.

About four months ago... I experienced perfection. In every sense of the word. Not here. There. My environment, my state of mind, my breath, my physical being.... for once in my life... everything seemed aligned.

I went on to hold on to that moment because it reminded me of possibilities... things that I never allowed myself to even consider. It allowed me to feel... to get past my own fourth wall and experience sensations brought on by life, circumstance and even perhaps... fate.

But in the months that followed... that solitary moment in time became my own worst enemy. Thinking about it no longer made me happy... it made me sad and anxious. It made me crawl out of my skin and lose focus... it made me ache and sob.

And as time passed, I soon realized that I was alone in my agony. A mental and emotional state of anguish that I had created for myself.

About a month and a half ago I realized that I had had enough and decided to fold the memory up and cling-wrap the life out of it and tuck it away into a filing cabinet titled, "learn from these lessons." Literally, I deleted that folder from my e-mail inbox and figuratively, I piled a whole bunch of new memories on top of it.

It worked perfectly... up until exactly four hours ago.

Four hours ago, I allowed myself a little peek into the triggers of the moment. I just wanted to glimpse through the window and see what was happening across the world. There. I knew I shouldn't have... but I am a slave to my thoughts and a fool when it comes to my heart...

And I saw it all. I saw the beauty and I saw the sincerity and I saw the honesty... I saw life... going on... moving forward.

And it crushed me.

I felt as though a huge elephant had jumped through my computer screen and sat square on my little band-aid-ed-up ticker.

I heard voices in my head saying, "here we go again... all this effort... down the drain..."

And I rolled my eyes... and pushed back the tears... but I allowed myself to continue to feel.

Because I'm human. I don't know how people do it...(disconnect... push away emotions), but I can't. I need to feel. These emotions whether painful or blissful... these emotions remind me that I'm real... and alive.

And I'm on this ride of life through the ups and downs, through the spins and flips... I'm on this ride and I'm not letting go. Not for an African safari or a tropical rendezvous.

I'm on this ride for me.

xo
SC