One of those afternoons...

Sometimes I wonder if absence does in fact make the heart grow fonder. I thought about this recently, after my visit to Goa. I'm not a fan of feeling so nostalgic, but I guess sometimes it can't be helped. I came back refreshed from the trip, but now all I can think about is finding a balance between my two worlds once again.

When I moved to Toronto, I always realized how much I missed my family and life when I was a child. However, it wasn’t until I came back for a visit, that I fully became aware of how much I longed to be back there.

When I left Goa for the second time this past May, I was taken back to my 10-year-old self. I don’t recall another day when I cried as much as I did then. I wasn’t sure where I was going or what was in store for me. It was exciting in a sense, but I also felt as though I was heading into uncertainty. All I knew was that I had packed everything that I “held near and dear” to me, in one little red suitcase. That was it. 10 years of my childhood in the smallest suitcase in the bunch.

After being back here for a month, I started to play around with thoughts of absence. What do I miss from my trip? What do I want to go back to? What did I want to bring with me? What did I leave behind?

I realize that whatever material things I left behind in Goa will continue to stay in the place I left them. Just like the pair of shorts I found from when I was eight, left sitting in my mother’s cupboard.

The cups and saucers will be as I left them – sitting in a rack by the kitchen sink. The books will be by my bed – as I left them in May 2008.

But what about the people? Will those who I hold so close to my heart be as I left them? Probably not. My family and friends have changed a lot over the past decade or so. People have died, and there have been many young additions. Loved ones have moved away while others have gone back to Goa in search of something they thought was missing in their lives.

I understand that change comes as a result of time. Still, there’s a part of me that hopes not much will change before my next visit or stay.

I was given a small taste of something that means the world to me. But for now, reality shows that that is all it can be ... a taste.

I wonder... if I play around with destiny and go with the flow, will my reality eventually be what I’d like it to be?

Perhaps in this case, only time will tell.

xo
SC