I can't quite recall the exact moment I became a night owl. I used to stay up a lot when I was in university, but that usually stemmed from studying or staying out with friends. It was never because I couldn't control it.
Then there were a few spells while I was in Korea. Weeks when external silence was deafening, and I had to turn up the music on my computer to full volume just so I could drown out the noise in my mind. But those moments came and went in spells... depending on what occupied my thoughts.
But since moving back to Toronto, I haven't been able to fall asleep before midnight. In fact, I find I'm staying up well into the early hours of the morning, not because I'm not tired (quite frankly, I'm exhausted), but because the noise is back.
I lay awake in bed and my mind just keeps going and going, and the thoughts just keep swirling into this vortex that causes my heartbeat to pick up speed instead of relax.
All sorts of thoughts -- about life in general, my family, friends... about the decisions I've made in my own life that have led me to this point. And I truly wish I could sit here and say I regret the recent choices I've made -- but I don't.
So why aren't I at ease?
Let me be honest here and say that I did imagine my life would be quite different at 25. In fact, I pictured myself in a very different place than I'm in right now. But I also know that life tends to take whatever plans you have and throws them off a cliff. What we're left to deal with instead, are curve-balls and twisted paths, and if we're lucky, we survive the journey until we reach a certain level of happiness.
But I also knew a long time ago that moving back to Toronto wouldn't be easy. I just never imagined that five months into it, I'd still be trying to sort things out. And this recession... gosh, am I ever tired of hearing that word. And I'm even more tired of it being the excuse of all that's messed up these days.
I've been brought up to have faith, and to never lose hope. I've often said that hope fuels humanity, and that without it, we can never move forward. And I have hope. In fact, these days, it feels like it's all I have. But really, is it enough?
I'm not a kook. I know I have to do my part to change my own life. I'm the captain of my own destiny and all that fun stuff. But sometimes... sometimes some things are just out of our hands. And I've learned that particular lesson especially over these past few months.
I've been on this mission since the start of the New Year to remain optimistic in all aspects of my life. But seven days into it and I'm exhausted. I can count 10 not-so-nice things that have happened since January 1st, and not one positive thing. (Pretty bad and unusual for a hopeless optimist, huh?)
But all I can do is keep on keeping on... and sit with hope and faith that perhaps these days will soon be a distant memory.
This post must come as a shock to a lot of you, dear readers. As I read it over, it's shocking me too. But this is also reality. And sometimes in reality, optimism is hard to come by.
xo
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