I've been spending a lot of time in my mind for the past few weeks. Thoughts that cannot be articulated. Words that can't seem to make their way from my heart to my mind and then out my mouth. I haven't been able to say the right thing for months. Me - at a loss for words. I guess the therapist has left the body?
This time it's different from the other times. This time, I see a definite need for change. I see my desire for peace and happiness stemming from one place and one person - me. It's been a hard thought process, which is probably why I haven't been able to articulate it. Maybe because this time, I know what I'm supposed to do.
I have the human right to be happy. I have the human right to live my life for me. I have the human right to break the cycle.
We live in the free world, and yet, here we are - prisoners - of our thoughts, our actions, our hopes and our sadness. How do we get away from the very things that pin us in place?
How do we break away unscarred? How do we pick up and start anew? If not anew, at least the way we want to.
I read somewhere that we can't change the past, but we can always have new beginnings. So, why is it so difficult to have a new beginning when there's so many (or a few particular) people's thoughts and emotions at stake?
I've always understood that we can only be responsible for ourselves - our decisions, thoughts, emotions, actions... our everything. In an ideal world, anyway.
Then why is it so hard to disconnect, when disconnecting would help on this journey of self discovery? Why is it so hard to be allowed an opportunity to figure out who we are, before our time is up?
I'm full of questions tonight. I can't answer these questions, and yet, they keep circling through my mind - as if on a spin-cycle of some sorts....
I'm not looking for the answers tonight. I'm just hoping for a chance.