Tuesday, 11 March 2008

Static Energy

I can't help but wonder about time and change and how they help and hinder each other.

With time, seasons change... days turn to weeks, weeks to months and months turn into years. But with time, people grow too. Mothers can relate to this movement in time quite easily, as they watch their new borns grow into toddlers who move into pre-school-adolescence-teenagerville-adulthood-etc...

I think about how time has changed me and the relationships I have made over the years. It has certainly affected my relationship with my family. Whether this is a good or bad thing is yet to be determined... but I am content. I guess that should say something.

I tell my friends who I don't see often, that this program I'm studying in right now feels like a bubble: once I'm in I can't get out until it pops. When the bubble pops, I look at the world as it passed me by and feel unsure as to whether or not I've actually moved forward... or if I was left behind.

I guess some friends understand it. I'm still trying to sell that story to others who probably think it's an excuse.

In any case, I feel as though time has affected a lot of aspects in my life. On one hand, I feel that when I'm at school working, time ceases to exist, as one thing after another comes flying in my direction at record speed and I'm left struggling to keep up. I leave only when I'm completely done for the day, as I know the next day will have more meteors speeding in my direction. There is no room to pile up the work.

On the other hand, I feel as though the rest of my life is on pause. And really, it is. I mean I'm at school five days a week from early in the morning till the evening. After that I either go to work or come home and sit at my computer typing together words and praying that they will make sense upon submission.

Here I draw upon my last post about most aspects of my life being an open book. My friends, for the most part, know where I am and what I'm up to at all times. From school, to events I'm covering, to family affairs, to weekend outings... it's all there. And because once in a while, I'll take a peek out of the bubble to look around and glance at who I am missing, I will even send random messages to check in.

What sucks... (uh-oh) is not hearing back. I mean not a single response in terms of "a-ok" ... or "fine, hang in there..." or "screwed on this end too..."

The changes I've noticed with time have showed me that people whom I never thought would give a damn... do. Strangely enough... I find messages of comfort, reassurance, check-ins and "stop being such a drama queen" from people I didn't think even remembered who I was.

... And I'm left stunned!

Perhaps with time I have come to expect a lot from the people I am close to. On the other hand, maybe they expect me to be a certain way as well.

However, in the past few months I have felt more like myself than I have in a very long time. I mean, I have particular micro goals now... actual dreams... all my own. Some time ago, if anyone asked me what my plans were for the near future, I would always map them out based on people who surrounded me.... family... co-workers... friends... (please don't read this as a complaint). Nowadays I'm learning to live for me. This is probably because of the little down time I get... I've come to treasure it so so so so so much!

So I guess time has had a positive and negative impact on me. I guess it is supposed to go both ways, right? Too much of a good thing can be bad. Time has brought me closer to my true self... and closer to the people who are okay with me being me and I could not be more thankful for that. All I can say is, FINALLY!

By no means is this post over. I wrote on for another 4 paragraphs... but I deleted it all because those thoughts are some of those "private emotions" that I'm learning to keep, well... private. Maybe with time, I will learn to speak more freely to those who inspire these musings! =)

xo
SC

n.b.: on a read over... wow, remind me never to post a blog at 1 a.m. after a long long long manic monday!

2 comments:

  1. simone you are an amazing person i am so glad i know you even if lately meetings have been few and far between <3

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  2. Sammy Davis, Jr.March 19, 2008 12:12 am

    I think the fact that you are making decisions for you and not for others means, that maybe, you might be, kinda, sorta, almost.... growing up?

    I had to flee the country for two years to figure out what I wanted, and who I actually was because I always saw me through other people, if that makes sense. And now that you've isolated yourself in school, you're seeing who you really are and what you really want to do, and that's a good thing! Maybe not the isolation, but definately the seeing who you are. And chances are, everyone else is going through this, too.

    :)

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