On loss, life and the things we'll never know

I never imagined how much my life would change after my last blog post. Nor did I realize just how close to home the post on May 19th, (So finite) would hit.

In it, I talked about life having an expiry date. At that time, a series of small events highlighted mortality and sent me a strong reminder that our time on this planet is limited. Little did I realize that the post was almost a premonition of what was to come.

I lost my father on June 21, 2012.

A few days after I wrote that last post, my father was rushed to the hospital and almost a month to that date, he passed away.

Wow. I think it's the first time I've actually written those words. I've opened this blog to write many times since that heartbreaking day, and the words just never formed. But there they are -- real as this computer screen staring back at me.

Yes, death is real and it will eventually touch us all. However, no one can know how or when it will happen. As desperate as we may be to look into the future to try and figure how it will all turn out, the truth is we just won't know what's been designed for us until it happens.

Image courtesy of Pinterest.com

I never imagined that we'd lose him the way we did. For nearly a month we had to live hour by hour while he was in the hospital. On some days we lived minute by minute. Sitting here, just about three months since that day, I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when I knew he was fading. And I can't do it. The entire journey that led to his passing wasn't stable. It wasn't consistent. And we're still struggling with so many unanswered questions. But as I was often told in the days since he passed, 'When it's your time, it's your time.'
(Not comforting words, fyi.)

The three months since has passing have been a blur. I didn't imagine the impact this would have on my family and I. People who've experienced such a tremendous loss in their lives often say that they become numb in the aftermath. I never knew what emotional numbness felt like until this experience.

Everyone deals with grief differently -- denial, anger, inconsolable hysteria, silence. For my part, I've been trying to stay busy. Absorbed in work and holding on to moments where I don't have to be alone with my thoughts. I hang on to anything that lets me ignore my own reality. I'm coasting. Numbness -- I now know what it feels like. My choices probably aren't the healthiest, but it's what I need for now.

I'm not sure what the next few months will have in store for all of us. I keep thinking about how he died exactly five months to the day of his birthday. Appropriate enough, I suppose -- he always enjoyed symmetry. My mum refers to losing him as a void that we're unable to fill. She's right. Life, moving forward, will now be without him.

No matter your relationship, nothing can ever prepare you for the emotional turmoil that stems from losing a parent. But it's part of living, I suppose. And an experience like this certainly shifts perspective, makes you reorganize your priorities and look at life differently.

And now that I've found some words (finally), I hope I'll be able to write more. Share more. Acknowledge what has happened. Look towards the future. And I hope that the fog of the past few months will eventually lift.

**Thank you to all our friends and family who've stepped up and shown us support during these past few months. Thank you for your love, thank you for your strength, and thank you for your wishes of peace. We're lucky to have you all in our lives.**

Till next time,

Simi

A travel destination where I love the people

30 Day Travel Challenge
Day 7 - A travel destination where I love the people

You're probably learning quickly through these posts that I haven't travelled to that many countries around the globe. As much as I'd love to say I've visited numerous exotic locations and written about the strangest customs in the furthest of places, the truth of the matter is, I've really only been to a handful of countries. But I'm OK with that. For now anyway. This exercise is forcing me to look back on where I've been, and really focus on what I took away from each of my travels.

So...  from my experiences so far, I'd have to say I loved the people I met in Seoul, Korea. The people I'm talking about are a handful of expats -- not originally from Korea. In fact, they're kind of from all over the place (The U.K., South Africa, USA). But I'll always associate my happiest experiences in Korea with them. They're kindred spirits, and fellow wandering souls. They get me and I get them. And it took me leaving the comforts and familiarity of my life in Toronto to finally experience people with a shared wavelength and understanding of life.

I say I love the people in Seoul, because some of them are still there. They went back to their native countries for a while, and then chose to go back to Korea for another round of work.

These are some of my soul mates. I know that they'll always be a phone call, e-mail or Skype chat away. And I also know that I'll be seeing them again, someday soon. I really do love them! And I'll always be grateful to Seoul for bringing me a group of kindred spirits from around the planet, without having to go in search of them.

Check out:

10 things I miss about Seoul, Korea

The world in my shoebox

FIFA, Football and Family

Image courtesy of Google Images

Sleep and Shock

It's been a while since I've written a post like this, so please bear with me.

I can't quite recall the exact moment I became a night owl. I used to stay up a lot when I was in university, but that usually stemmed from studying or staying out with friends. It was never because I couldn't control it.

Then there were a few spells while I was in Korea. Weeks when external silence was deafening, and I had to turn up the music on my computer to full volume just so I could drown out the noise in my mind. But those moments came and went in spells... depending on what occupied my thoughts.

But since moving back to Toronto, I haven't been able to fall asleep before midnight. In fact, I find I'm staying up well into the early hours of the morning, not because I'm not tired (quite frankly, I'm exhausted), but because the noise is back.

I lay awake in bed and my mind just keeps going and going, and the thoughts just keep swirling into this vortex that causes my heartbeat to pick up speed instead of relax.

All sorts of thoughts -- about life in general, my family, friends... about the decisions I've made in my own life that have led me to this point. And I truly wish I could sit here and say I regret the recent choices I've made -- but I don't.

So why aren't I at ease?

Let me be honest here and say that I did imagine my life would be quite different at 25. In fact, I pictured myself in a very different place than I'm in right now. But I also know that life tends to take whatever plans you have and throws them off a cliff. What we're left to deal with instead, are curve-balls and twisted paths, and if we're lucky, we survive the journey until we reach a certain level of happiness.

But I also knew a long time ago that moving back to Toronto wouldn't be easy. I just never imagined that five months into it, I'd still be trying to sort things out. And this recession... gosh, am I ever tired of hearing that word. And I'm even more tired of it being the excuse of all that's messed up these days.

I've been brought up to have faith, and to never lose hope. I've often said that hope fuels humanity, and that without it, we can never move forward. And I have hope. In fact, these days, it feels like it's all I have. But really, is it enough?

I'm not a kook. I know I have to do my part to change my own life. I'm the captain of my own destiny and all that fun stuff. But sometimes... sometimes some things are just out of our hands. And I've learned that particular lesson especially over these past few months.

I've been on this mission since the start of the New Year to remain optimistic in all aspects of my life. But seven days into it and I'm exhausted. I can count 10 not-so-nice things that have happened since January 1st, and not one positive thing. (Pretty bad and unusual for a hopeless optimist, huh?)

But all I can do is keep on keeping on... and sit with hope and faith that perhaps these days will soon be a distant memory.

This post must come as a shock to a lot of you, dear readers. As I read it over, it's shocking me too. But this is also reality. And sometimes in reality, optimism is hard to come by.

xo

Life is Wonderful

One of my favourite songs by Jason Mraz -- "Life is Wonderful"
(performed live in South Korea)

"And it takes no time to fall in love
But it takes you years to know what love is
It takes some fears to make you trust
It takes those tears to make it rust
It takes the dust to have it polished"

You can take the future

I have a dream, a song to sing
To help me cope, with anything

I was serenaded by a stranger, this morning.
It's funny how life holds you together when you think you might fall apart at the seams.

I was running late for work this morning, having slept very badly the night before. Well, more like I came home from work, passed out, woke up at an odd hour in the night, stayed up for another three hours (thinking and thinking and thinking...), then fell asleep again at 3 a.m. I had to be up at 6:30 this morning. Let's just say I was out the door with 10 minutes left to spare.

Anyway, I was desperate, so I hailed a cab to drive the five minutes it took to get to work.

"Anyonghasayeo, ahjoshshi!" I said with a flustered smile. "Uhh.... Hongpa chodeunghaggyo, jusayeo."

He smiled and nodded his head and drove off. While in the cab, I started fishing through my bag to make sure I had everything I needed for the day. Laptop? Check. I had to finish the worksheets for camp. Cellphone? Check. Wallet? Check. Papers...

"Eodie nara?" he asked, while looking at me in the rear-view mirror. He was asking which country I was from. I learned to answer this question within my first week in Korea. And interestingly enough, it mostly came from cab drivers.

"Canada," I said.

"Ahh... Vancouver Olympics!"

"Yes." I felt as though I'd had this conversation a thousand times, so I was about to put myself on auto-pilot.

But instead of saying anything else, he nodded his head and looked at the road again. I found myself drifting off into my thoughts, when I heard him quietly humming to himself.

"... pushing through the darkness... hmmm hmmm hmmm... I believe in angels..."

"Abba?" I asked, with a knowing grin.

"Yes! I have a dream. You know?" His kind eyes smiled at me and he continued, a little louder. "... something good in everything I see. I believe in angels, when I know the time is right for me.."

Then, I found myself singing the next words with him, "I'll cross the stream - I have a dream."

We reached our destination, and as I proceeded to pay and get out of the cab, I couldn't help but feel lighter and happier. I was so grateful to start my morning off this way. I mean, here I was, in Korea, singing an Abba song with a cab driver in his 50's, and we were actually smiling at each other. I couldn't make these moments up!

"Have a good day, lady!" he said, as he drove off, singing to himself.

I found myself standing on the sidewalk yelling back at him to have a good day as well.

And as I walked the short distance to work, I found myself humming those lovely words that picked me up this morning, "...I believe in angels, something good in everything I see..."

So thank you, ahjoshshi. From the bottom of my soul!

xo
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Calendar Days

Well, April's almost here. It seems like just yesterday that I'd been preparing for my move to Korea. I have been in this country for just over seven months, with only five more left in my contract. I'm amazed at how quickly time has gone by.

Saying that a lot has happened over these past seven months would be a grand understatement. It's all that and so much more. I've grown in more ways than I knew possible, learning from experiences I never thought I'd have. And looking back on all the positivity and negativity, I can only say that I'm grateful.

Most people don't have the chance to do this in their entire lifetime. My friend here tells me the story about her grandmother, who lived in China till she was 80. After never having been on a plane or to another country for all those years, she ended up moving to America to be with her family... having to adjust, at that age, to a whole new life in a whole new world.

I've been lucky.

I've met some amazing people on this journey, so far. These are friends that I truly believe were brought together by fate and chance. They come from all walks of life, from different parts of the world. And yet, we all exist, here, as a family. We take care of one another.

When people ask me what life is like as a teacher in Korea, I can't really be honest with them. The only people who truly understand what a parallel universe this is, are the ones who've experienced it themselves. Sometimes I find myself sharing stories with friends back in Canada, and they usually respond in disbelief. "Not possible!" or "That didn't really happen... did it?" are the most common reactions.

Chances are, I'm telling the truth. That it did happen... and I've probably only given you the rough sketch of the story!

OK, and I'll admit that not all of these experiences have been brilliantly positive. More than once I've found myself in situations that I wish I could erase... but I guess life doesn't work that way. All I can do is learn and grow from them.

So, here's to the next five months. Here's to Spring flowers and Summer adventures. Here's hoping that time doesn't move so quickly that I'm blind-sided when August hits... but not so slowly that I sit here staring at the clock. I want to savor all of everything as it happens. This is a special chapter for the memory book, and I want to look back on it fondly someday and say, "Yeah, that really happened!"

xo
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Finding my smile in the Land of Smiles

It's almost the middle of march and it's been snowing in Seoul for the past couple of days. I woke up from a nap yesterday evening, only to pull open my window shades and see a mixture of rain and snow fall from the sky. I quickly pulled down the shades, turned up my heater and proceeded to fall back to sleep, while willing myself to dream of a tropical getaway I'd traipsed around, just short of two weeks ago.

Sigh!

Bangkok, Thailand: colourful tuk tuks and motorcycles on hand.

Thailand stole my heart from the minute I stepped out of the airport in Bangkok. Perhaps it was the adrenaline pumping through my system after finally having arrived at my destination... or perhaps it was the shock of actually standing in a warm country; winter jacket tucked safely away in my backpack (it was snowing in Seoul when we left earlier that day). Whatever the reason, I was in sweaty, humid heaven.

Over the next few posts I'll share some specific experiences and pictures with you about my time in the Land of Smiles. And it's called that for a reason. Though Thailand is known to be a hot tourist destination for visitors from across the planet, there's something to be said about the locals, who radiate a warmth I never realized I'd missed while living in Korea.

From the moment we stepped off the plane we were greeted with the traditional "Sawatdee Kaa" (hello), gentle joining of hands at chest level, and beaming, genuine smiles.

This continued on throughout the trip, (well, minus the joining of hands, used mostly for formal greetings). This was such a refreshing change from Seoul, where a smile from a foreigner (especially one like me) ignites stares and 'deer in the headlight' looks from native Koreans.

Ayutthaya, Thailand: A serene view from the guesthouse we stayed in.

I was glad we'd left Korea at the 'end' of winter and just before the start of the new school year. It was therapeutic and rejuvenating to escape to a country where downtime included digging my toes in the sand, letting the fresh sea air sweep through my hair, and watching people from all over the world, as they too indulged in their tropical getaways.

Thailand is definitely not short of scenery. It doesn't matter whether you're in fast and heavy Bangkok, or lounging along the Krabi coast -- just a quick look up or into the distance promises cliffs, centuries-old temples, palaces and traditional markets that can't be matched by any other part of the world, I think.

This trip was of the healing kind for me. It had been so long since I'd been in an environment where people were relaxed, easy-going and worked to live rather than lived to work. My soul was grateful and my mind relaxed.

Now, I'm sure some of you will argue that I avoided scuttling through a lot, in terms of the impoverish pockets in Bangkok or other parts of the country. I'm very aware of all that lacks in this part of the world, but it wasn't the focus of my visit. I was simply looking for all the beauty it had to offer. I wanted it to engulf me and beam through my entire body as I boarded the plane back to Seoul. And it did.

Krabi, Thailand: Ao Nang beach, close to sunset.

It's amazing what a few days in the tropics can do to a person. I kept asking my travel companions why everyone was so much nicer and relaxed. They told me that it definitely had to do with their warm climate and 'island vibe'.

I've always said I'm a tropical girl at heart, though I live in Canada and have now experienced one of the worst Korean winters in over 70 years. I don't think this will ever change. Something about the pace, the heat, the tropical beauty and culture of this part of the world agrees with me. It's where I feel most like myself. Whether it be Goa, India, or Krabi, Thailand -- smiles just come more naturally to me in the tropics.

More soon!

xo
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The world in my shoebox

Multicultural: adj.
1. Of relating to, or including several cultures.
2. Of or relating to a social or educational theory that encourages interest in many cultures within a society rather than in only a mainstream culture.

Having lived in Seoul for just over five months now, I think it's time I shared a little bit about the relationships I've formed here.

I always imagined that moving to a different part of the world would expose me to new cultures, ideas and people, and that I'd eventually make new friends. What I never expected, was to move to a new country, only to connect with people from all ends of the planet.

My journey in Seoul began with a fabulous perk -- a mandatory orientation where 100+ teachers from across the globe had to coexist in a dorm-style facility for just over nine days. When in a situation like that, one is bound to form connections and create relationships based on common interests, goals and backgrounds. You're sort of given instant friends. And that's precisely what happened.

Five months into my stay, I can truly say I've been blessed in that respect. The epiphany hit me a few weeks ago when a few of us gathered at my shoe box for some wine and chit-chat. I had stepped out of the room for a bit, and when I came back in, I couldn't help but pause and look around. There, in my little, dressed-up, Manolo shoe box, sat friends representing various countries such as China, South Africa, Iraq, Columbia, USA, Canada and Korea. We also have a representative from the United Kingdom from time to time, but she was away learning Korean on this particular evening.

I couldn't help but smile.

This is the essence of travel -- stepping out into the wide world and realizing that there's more to life than the status quo. It's about understanding that connections can be formed with people, regardless of language barriers, skin colours or geography.

Dear Readers, I truly wish you could listen in on some of the conversations that take place among us. They're filled with rich stories of culture and days long gone. We talk about values, traditions and our colourful families. One of us even told a story about her grandmother's 'witch' cousin, back home! True story!

All in all, I wouldn't trade any of this for the status quo, because the joy and absolute laughter that bubbles out of my little shoe box on 'wine and chit-chat' nights, is something that I'd like to bottle up and treasure for the rest of my life.

These are some of the simple pleasures that come when traveling with an open mind and an open heart.


xo
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Image courtesy of Google Images

Chicka, count to 10

"I'm my own worst enemy!" I yelled at J, through the computer screen. We were laughing at each other and catching up on Skype after a few weeks of not chatting or talking. I guess you can say we both had our own Seoul-isms going on.

"Aren't we all?!" she yelled back. "Seriously, think about it... no one's perfect, and even when we don't think we're making mistakes, somewhere through it, we end up screwing up anyway."

She was right. I knew that. I know that. But it still didn't ease the fact that until the feelings of anxiety and irritation passed, that concept would simply not process.

"We're human, S," she said. "You said it yourself, we're learning and growing with each passing experience... sometimes it's hard but it passes."

And it does. I've been through enough moments in my life where I've felt as though the walls were going to close in on me, and the ground was going to eat me alive... but I'm here now, looking back on those moments thinking, 'I went crazy... for nothing!'

Except in those moments, it didn't feel like nothing. In those moments... reveling and living through those moments... those were hard times.

But that's the beauty of life I guess. You get through them... eventually. Even through the stormiest days and darkest nights... we get through them. There's always an end. And then we move on to the next chapter... or for some people, the next volume.

So why is it that when we're going through the 10th, 15th or 80th storm of our lives, we always feel as though we're about to be consumed? So much so to the point where that feeling of '... this is it!' takes over, sending us straight to the brink of a mental warfare, with no one else but ourselves?

Truly, we're our own worst enemies. If only we could program ourselves to count to ten before every impulse.

If only.

xo
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Gift wrap 2009

As 2009 begins to take its final bow, I can't help but sit and wonder of all that's transpired in my life since January. To say this year has been a roller-coaster ride would be an understatement. Looking back to the earlier months, I never would have imagined I'd find myself spending Christmas in Seoul, Korea... writing this entry in a staffroom filled with teachers who continue to glance (very obviously) over my shoulder as I type. Hi, Mr. S!

I've endured a lot this year, but I've learned more. The lessons have come as a result of peculiar situations and odd circumstances, but, having made it through, I feel as though I can now sit back and reflect.

I remember stressing out in January about starting my internship with the CBC. I didn't think it would actually happen, but working with the News at Six team was an experience I'm glad I had. There's nothing quite like working in a breaking newsroom, where the gun is held to your head everyday, to have your stories in... yesterday. I had a chance to move fast and learned more than I ever imagined I would. I met some wonderful people who I know I'll be in touch with for a long time to come.

The following months were spent at the magazine -- definitely not what I expected it to be. I was blessed with editors who looked after me and were truly concerned about my well-being in the industry. I was fortunate to be offered some wonderful advice from professionals who I consider not only mentors, but friends. Though it was difficult at times, I don't regret it for a moment, because I know I grew through that experience. Working at the magazine also allowed me to focus on my style of writing more, and I now know the direction I'd like to head in... you'll hear more about this in 2010, I assure you. Sit tight.

The last quarter of 2009 brought me to Seoul, Korea. Who would have thought? They say everything in life happens for a reason, and, without a doubt, I can say that I was meant to be here, at this time. Despite the difficulties, there's something serendipitous about the whole experience. I haven't quite figured it out yet, but I'm sure it will come to me one day.

There's something to be said about fate, isn't there? It's been so surreal meeting people from all across the globe, and forming friendships that feel as though they're antiques -- precious and old. I've met many wonderful people from all corners of the planet, each with their own wonderful and unique gifts that have come as blessings into my life. It's hard to imagine that I've only known some of them for a few months... and it's even harder to fathom that one day, not too long from now, I'll have to say goodbye to them as we each scuttle off to our own neck of the woods. But rest assured, these will be life-long friends.

One of the main things this journey has taught me so far, is that we live on a very small planet. Truly... mobility is so easy these days, with all the options available. And what's even more amazing is the fact that technology has brought us closer than ever. Actually, this is also quite scary. I suppose it depends on how you look at it.

All I'm saying is that I'm grateful to Skype, Facebook, Hotmail, Gmail, snail mail, cellphones and text messages for allowing me to stay in touch with those I love and care about. This journey might have been quite different otherwise, I think.

Along the way, I think this has been one of the biggest years in terms of personal growth, trials and achievements. I'm fortunate to have a dear family who have been nothing but a constant support to me, and friends who have stood by and been the best cheerleaders and entertainers a girl could ever ask for.

So this quick note is for you, dear readers and people in my life...

I'm thankful to

those of you who make me think
those of you who tell me to stop thinking
those of you who insist I think a little harder
those of you who put dirty thoughts into my mind
those of you who make me laugh till I cry
those of you who insist I try everything at least once
those of you who make me take risks
those of you who see what's past the surface
those of you who've broken down the wall
those of you who let me vent
those of you who share your stories with me
those of you who I've shared unbelievable coffee dates with
those of you who I've shared eye-opening conversations with
those of you who've made me feel like a million bucks
those of you who let me be me

... but mostly, I'm thankful to those of you who are active participants in my life right now. I'm looking forward to spending and sharing an amazing 2010 with you.


xo
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Image courtesy of Dreamstime Stock

Fate and Fated

 The inside and outside patio area at Café DaVinci in Seoul

 

It's about 9:30 p.m. on a Thursday night and I'm sitting at Café DaVinci with S, for our weekly writing date.

I've come to look forward to these hours of simply... being. There's truly no other way of putting it. Every week, S and I sit here for an hour or two and just do what we love. As she puts it, "Sometimes we write, sometimes we read and sometimes we Google." It's a break from the fast paced hustle and bustle that's normal to Seoul and our jobs as ESL teachers.

We're both not teachers by trade. She used to work at a magazine in Chicago before deciding to venture out here to test the waters and, really, to test herself as well. We bonded instantly, and now, we're at a place where the silence is not only normal, it's required.

We frequent a few different coffee shops between her neighbourhood and mine, but for the past few visits, we've found ourselves at Café DaVinci. Maybe I'm jumping the gun, but I think this location might end up becoming our regular spot. She orders a latté and I go wild and order a vanilla latté. I try to change it up every time, but after a few minutes of staring at the board behind the counter, I always settle for the comfort of an old friend.

Two of my favourite photos that hang above my favourite seats, inside Café DaVinci

We're sitting here, at a table that looks out onto the street. Fall is just about to end its big show and the last of the leaves are hanging off the branches, just waiting for a gust of wind to blow them swiftly to the ground. The colours are magnificent... shades of reds and oranges that I've never seen before. Surprisingly, there's a lot of maple trees here as well... but the leaves are twice the size of those in Canada.

I think I was drawn to Café DaVinci because of its rustic ambiance. For those of you who know me, you'll know that my city-chick heart just begs for country couture when it comes to comfort and peace. And I think I've found it here. What are the odds that it would just happen to be at the coffee house that exists directly outside my window? Fate works its beautiful hand again.

S is sitting across from me, working on her novel. She's pretty dedicated to it, but makes a point to only write when she's inspired -- a few pages here and there... and, once in a while, she'll let me look at parts of it. It's pretty neat stuff.

I feed my habit of people-watching while I sit at this table as well. Even now, though its nighttime, there's many Korea University students walking up and down the streets, hand-in-hand. Oh, did I fail to mention that I'm in a country where being part of a couple is the norm? Singles (or solos, as they say here) may as well be second-class citizens.

At any given moment, there may be about a handful of different couples marching down the street to their favourite haunts... in matching couple sweaters... with matching couple bags and matching couple lattés. I'm often asked by older Korean men and women why I'm not sad being "solo".

"You need to find someone, fast," Mrs. K says, almost weekly. "You're getting old."

Clichéd, I know, but SO real. In fact, not being coupled up is the number one cause for suicides and depression here. Well, that, and the pressure of achieving high grades at school. Can you imagine being a student and not being part of a couple? Yikes!

Anyway, here's my point in all this...

Being in Seoul has been a life-altering experience so far. I've never been in a situation like this... ever! This city tests me on a daily basis, and I fight my battles, one coffee and one issue at a time. There's no other way of dealing with them.

But the gems I experience make all the fights so worth it.

Even now, as I sit here and type this, there's two men sitting to my right, chatting and laughing away. What's so cool about it is that one's a Caucasian, and the other is Korean... and they're not speaking in either English or Korean. It's not only visually fascinating, but also entertaining to the ear.

My senses are so alert right now. It's refreshing.

My mother always told me that I never took the same route as my friends or family. Ever since I was a child, I always marched to the beat of my own drum and loudly followed my own rules... much to her chagrin. But as I sit here at Café DaVinci, I can't help but glance down to the floor and grin. I stare at Robert Frost's poem The Road Not Taken, neatly printed on the floor in glazed charcoal, and, as usual, the last verse sends shivers up my spine and goosebumps along my skin...

The floor in Café DaVinci, with Robert Frost's famous poem scribbled on the tile  

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--

I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."

Thanks, Mum. You've always been right.

xo

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