Missing in action... Missing action!

This past month has gone by so fast, I feel as though it never happened... only, it did.
I am looking forward to the holidays this year. Aside from catching up on sleep... I want to lose myself in the City. I want to discover new haunts, old memory places and so much more. My Photography course has forced me to go to numerous events to take pictures, that I always said I would go to... but never did. The main reason for me not going, was because I felt that I wouldn't enjoy it as much without someone special by my side. This isn't true and I realize that now.

The idea of cozying up to someone with a cup of hot chocolate during the Santa Claus parade, or skating in the square with Mr. Love, during the lighting of the City christmas tree... well, its nice.. but it is just as enjoyable if you go alone or with family.

I realize that society sells these places and events to us, under the pretense that you need someone beside you in order to fully enjoy all they have to offer. This isn't true as well, because I just got home from the opening ceremony of the Cavalcade of Lights... which I attended by my self, and enjoyed.

I'm finding happiness in little things these days. The walks from one place to the next (I always take the long way, these days)... The first sips of my morning Tea... the times Ginger actually cozies up to me, instead of vice-versa... The fact that my marks are going up, instead of down... little things.

I was so consumed by my feelings in the past couple of months, and I didn't like every minute of it. I liked the first 24 hours when they started to change, and I know that anyone in my position would. But after that, I hated who I became-- my own worst nighmare.

I was very aware of the season changing from fall to winter this year. The moments the leaves changed colour, my senses heightened. I noticed greens, reds, yellows that I never paid attention to before.
I even noticed when the Greek Village put their Christmas lights up... I never knew they did that before.

Finally, I also realized in the past month thanks to numerous chats with my lovely friends (i love you), and some soul searching... that I deserve better. I'm not better than anyone and no worse. However, I am a woman... I don't usually wear my heart on my sleeve, but I'm learning that it might be better to do that, than to stay guarded all the time. When we guard ourselves, we miss out on possibilities that might change our lives. I don't know. I was hurt pretty badly by my experience, but I learned from it -- which is a good thing.

We all want to be loved... because we love.
We shouldn't let the actions of others make us jaded and force us to change the way we love (or like).
If we fall whole-heartedly, fall full force. Without regrets.
I should just learn to get over it faster. That's always the hardest part... getting over getting burned.

SC

the last page to this month's chapter.

I guess I was more angry at myself, during the turn of events this past month, than I was at the actual source. I was mad for letting my guard down, and more angry that I allowed myself to risk such a huge part of... well, me. After the initial burst, I felt relief at the fact that my confession was not without merit, as I heard all that I wanted to hear and then some. I went in with complete conviction that I would be let down, and was ready for it. Instead, I was fed scoopfuls of words that girls only imagine hearing at some point or another. It doesn't happen often, so when it does happen, we take it...

Maybe we shouldn't... always. Well, rather, I shouldn't.
I don't know... It felt good to hear all that, you know? Like... "wow, I put myself out there, took a risk... and actually got results!"
It even felt good the next day, when we corresponded... it felt like we were getting to know each other ... as promised the day before. But after that... it was all me. The messages, the questions... all me. That doesn't exactly go along with what I had heard before. There's that saying: "Actions speak louder than words"... and this was a key case and point. The actions certainly did not add up to the words I had heard.

I know people are busy. I get that. Heck, I am too... I have 5 articles and 2 quizzes to study for, all this week. But, if interested, I can do the 5-minute coffee... I can do the walk to the subway... I can do the 1 line message or 2 minute phonecall. This is all... possible, even in a crazy-busy world. But only if you want it to be. I wanted it to be... I thought he did too. Or maybe, I had heard wrong.

For some reason, this is taking a lot longer for me to get over than I would like. Perhaps because he is everywhere.. at work, on the computer... I can't disconnect and move on. But I have to... and I will.

I just hope that any guys out there who are reading this, will break from pattern. Please don't tell someone you mean something, when you don't. WORDS are powerful... more powerful than you can ever imagine. It is communication, it is real... Words dictate our heartbeat, our adrenaline, our ups and downs. A kind word can ignite the smile muscle just as easily as a mean one can make us cry. So please, use them wisely, use them sparingly.
Don't speak just because you can. Sometimes the truth is all we need. Even if it isn't what you think we want to hear.

if you blink, you might miss this...

To do list:

- swear off of boys (and most men) ... will make this last for more than a day...
- indulge in wine with the bff
- sex up the city during a good drunken'in
- will consider online dating
- he isn't worth my time
- i deserve better

thats it.. for now.

Mind is wandering... again.

This time I was wondering about the Human Spirit... and how much it can endure. I was thinking about all the things that happens to it... you know, the wounds (physically and otherwise), the scars, the punches, the lies, the false build-ups, the let-downs... everything.

How much can it really take? Think about it... in this day and age the Bad outweighs the Good, by far... and we keep taking it because it is all we can do. How do you heal the Human Spirit? Without it being momentary or a temporary solace away from the absolute madness that is life... love...

We always say that we want to be in control of our own lives and destiny, and yet, we constantly find ourselves in situations where we are at the mercy of others. This can be in terms of work (bosses and potential employers...), school (professors and groups), family (wants and demands), love (everything).

How do we just let the Human Spirit... be?
How do we allow ourselves to just let life do what it must, without feeling the pain, sorrow and loneliness that overcomes us when these things start to prick away at whatever little you have left?

I'm listening to a song by Mary J. Blige these days. It's called "Be Happy", and part of the lyrics state:

How Can I
Love Somebody Else
If I Don't
Love Myself Enough To Know
When It's Time
Time To Let Go?

All I Really Want
Is To Be Happy...

I am only referring to these lyrics because it applies to me right now. I am always second guessing myself... and I can't begin to explain why. I guess that's because I don't know why.

I only want to be happy. My Spirit just wants to be happy. And I mean... the genuine kind. The kind that comes naturally... not at the cost of others or because of situations. Just Happy. With who I am and what I have become. I want to look in the mirror and be Proud of Me.

I want to be selfish.... I want to do something for ME without thinking of the ramifications or how it will affect my family, friends, coworkers... People around me do it all the time.

My Spirit wants a vacation from heartache and longing for things that I have never had. You can't want something you've never had. And yet, it is all I can think about.

And here I am ... thinking. I am always thinking. I want to find the "off" switch to my heart, because it swells so much for things and situations that do not deserve it.

For once... I just want to stop. Thinking.